This week’s diarist is hoping for a change to her sex life (Picture: Myles Goode) Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger. This week we hear from Eliana, a 36-year-old queer writer who lives with her boyfriend of nine years, Kyle*. The pair met as extras on a TV show (he was a police officer and she was a sex worker) have sex about once a week. However, she’s not feeling satisfied. ‘Kyle has erectile dysfunction,’ says Eliana. ‘He can get off on his own, but when I’m around, that’s when the problems start. ‘It makes me feel like I’m not enough, and I feel awful saying it, but I want more. ‘I want more sex with myself and more sex with Kyle. And for him not to not have issues with climaxing when he’s with me. I just want a fuller sex life.’ And, as much as she loves her partner, Eliana can’t stop thinking about sex with women, too. Without further ado, here’s how Eliana got on this week… The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work. Monday I go for a dog walk, and Kyle leaves for work. Then, I head to therapy. I talk about wanting more. More passion, more sex, more self-love. I’m working through the ‘Come As You Are’ by Emily Nagoski right now, a workbook designed to help women have the fulfilling sex life we all deserve. But, I’m struggling to get past the part where you have to look at yourself fully naked. Like seemingly everything else in my life, this goes back to my time in the non-denominational strand of evangelical Christianity I grew up in. I’ve left it behind entirely now; it’s a quiet, unspoken thing between me and my family, who are still deeply in it. I think it made me hate my body. I hate who’s inside that body. I don’t know why. I just do.   When Kyle and I first met, it was casual sex, and it was good. Really good. But it dropped off about six months ago, and it’s making me feel worse. When evening comes though, I’m aroused. So I act on it. The dog is booted out of the bedroom (she’s a rescue who’s traumatised enough). We watch some porn and Kyle wants me to sit on his face. But I feel gross and too self-conscious. I do it anyway though, and manage to get off, multiple times. When he gets inside me though, I feel him go limp. This is our norm now. He apologises. I tell him he’s nothing to be sorry for. We invite the dog back in and go to sleep. Tuesday I’m in a barre class trying to hold a squat with both heels raised, but all I can think about is how I can’t pleasure my man. Last night we did everything he loves. We watched girl-on-girl (ethical) porn. It got me off so quickly. I’m actually much more attracted to women, so it’s a wonder I ended up with a man. But Kyle is special. He’s my biggest cheerleader, ridiculously funny, and we’ve got more niche shared interests than I can list. It’s just this dry patch. Oral sex keeps him hard. But the second it stops, so does he. He can come easily when I’m nowhere to be seen. But when I’m about, there’s a block. Do I put too much pressure on him? Is he stressed about other things? I don’t know, because he won’t tell me. He’s suggested a remedy: a threesome. He’s raised it over the years, on and off, so it’s clearly a turn-on for him. I was confused the first time he brought it up, but now I’m thinking it could be the way forward. Wednesday After a morning of working from home, I do interval runs at lunch, having already walked the dog. When I’m back, I scroll through dating apps. We’re both on them together but we’ve never met anyone. Is it the fantasy of a threesome he loves, or does he want me to have sex with a woman while he watches? I want to have sex with many of the women I’ve matched with, but I worry Kyle would be the odd one out. He’s said he’s happy just watching, but he’d get involved too, if I wanted.  I feel a bit dirty talking to these people. Not because I’m in a relationship. Kyle can see the messages. Instead, it’s because they’re women. I sometimes still feel the shame for being so much more attracted to women than men. It’s quieter now after years of therapy, but my religious upbringing hasn’t left me completely. If Kyle is reading the app texts, he’s not told me. But the messages have turned me on this evening, so I open the bedside drawer, vibrator in hand within seconds, and let it take over while the television hums away downstairs. After more orgasms than I can count, I go downstairs for a cuddle. Thursday I go for a run with my friend in the morning but all I can think about is how Kyle hasn’t talked about sex since Monday. Is this becoming our norm? We try sex. He can’t stay hard. I come. We move on. I want to tell him how much I love him and how I want to have lots of sex with him. I want him to just want me so much he has to have me there and then. But it’s always in our bedroom, after he’s showered. I wonder if it’s his Catholic upbringing that’s telling him he’s dirty from sex. I’ve said as much, half-joking, but he shrugs it off. Maybe I’m not the only one in this relationship with religious trauma. He’s away overnight with work and I feel like I should be having a night of self-love, where the vibrator is working hard for me. But I’m tired. Tired from a long day working, of managing the house and generally not being content. Friday After we finish work and the dinner dishes have been cleared, we snuggle on the sofa and I ask Kyle if he’s okay. I want to help where I can. When it comes to sex, he doesn’t think I’m blaming him – I’m not. I know he wants to have good sex and he knows I want us both to leave a sexual encounter equally satisfied. Again, he says he doesn’t know his block. He’s never mentioned this to his GP, instead he blames potential dehydration, his hay fever, or fear the dog will start barking. But I know it runs deeper and he’s not ready to go there yet. I tell him as much. This is my lot for now. Saturday The dog and I do our usual easy paced Parkrun before a tough Pilates session. Again, Kyle and I’s sexual relationship is all I can think about. I’ve had sex with more men than I can count. I stopped counting long before I entered this relationship. I had control over whether men got to have an orgasm and I loved that. Many times, I’d take them home to give oral sex and they’d leave afterwards. Now, I don’t have any control over my own relationship. I love sex. So much. But I’m in a long-term relationship with someone who enjoys it (or used to anyway), but infrequently. I long to be wanted. I want someone who wants me so much that they can’t wait to get me home to get down to it. I ask my therapist what’s wrong with me, but she says ‘nothing’. Weeks like this make it hard to believe. I’ve wondered, in lower moments, whether I should walk away from a relationship that doesn’t give me everything I crave. But our connection is so much more than sex, and I know it’ll get better. Sunday My period comes bright and early, so I skip my run. It’s a painful one this month. The sort of pain that keeps me in bed for a few hours. There is one thing that mitigates the pain for a short time, and that’s my vibrator. I get in under my covers again and let it do the work for me. This masturbation can feel functional – it literally feels like it turns my pain into pleasure. My orgasms are stronger today and I feel close to myself. I want to touch my body all over – appreciate her. Kyle and I don’t talk any more about sex today. But I do fantasise about our threesome. I’d love it, if I’m honest, there’s just always some consequence lurking in the back of my mind that’s hard to switch off.  I go back on the app and message someone I’ve been in touch with for a while. Maybe it’s time to make some plans…